In reflection.

Last night and this morning I watched a few hours of our home videos from our first few weeks together as a family. The most astounding observation that I had was that our kids are exactly the same. Malachi can not stop dancing, Shay makes the most insane faces and is always a late adopter of an idea and Ruthie runs the commentary for everyone. They are exactly who they were and so why is that so surprising?

The truth is, we didn't know what we were dealing with in those days. This is who they were and they knew it but we didn't. It was like watching a video of Rob and I babysitting someone else's kids. We were totally fine and having fun but not quite ourselves... I suppose we were on our best behaviour!

Of course, that is to be expected, obviously. But I have never given much thought to the fact that it is the parents who do the changing, not the kids. Sure, they have grown (and grown and grown!), they've learned to read and write and ride their bikes, they have friends and favourites and newly discovered talents but those have always been there. The real change has taken place in Rob and I, how we see the world, how we spend our money, what we prioritize, what we talk about and where we go. In the last three years we have been utterly changed by these three kids.

I suppose you could argue that in the same way the kids have grown that's really what's been happening to us too. Fair enough. So perhaps the way to say it is that we have been refined by these three people. The things that have come out of our lives in the past three years have surprised us, horrified us, delighted us and inspired us. People often marvel at how well our kids adjusted to being in our family, how quickly they learned English and just fit right in. I wouldn't argue with that for that was the best miracle of all. But what is perhaps a better point to marvel at is how they just stayed themselves, honestly and authentically acted like their true selves and we were all powerless to do anything but fall in love with them.

In this process I have been pressed and shaken and put under more pressure than I could have imagined. The things that oozed out of my life haven't always been something to be proud of. But I am so very, very glad for the change-agents in my house, the catalysts of refining my life. At church we often talk about how Scripture teaches that our lives with Christ are like gold refined in the fire. I can see now as I look back at my sweet Kenean, Nardos and Nati that they are a part of that fire in my life and if I let it, through the intense heat, trouble, worry, failures and ultimately, deepest joys and victories, I will not ever be the same.

So, to my children who will one day read all of these ramblings: thank you for being you and just you. You didn't change for me or anyone, you are just who Jesus made you to be and there is nothing more beautiful or transformative that I could ask for in my life.

Tracy